The Kindness of Strangers

 

The Kindness of Strangers

 I notice a lot of things when watching British mystery tv. Of course everybody drinks a lot of tea. And when the detective interviews someone about a suspect or a victim over a cuppa, the person will almost always say, "I really don't know anything about it. He kept himself to himself." We don't hear that here in the United States, because most people love to talk, especially about themselves and their history. 

I don't usually think of myself as someone who is an oversharer. At least not in person. When it comes to writing, I am much more likely to spill the tea. Does anyone else wonder what that means? Well, I looked it up. I thought it was a new saying, but it has actually been a bit of American slang since the 1980's. It means to tell the truth about something scandalous, dramatic or juicy.

One thing I notice a lot is that people tend to think that no one overhears when they are talking on a cellphone. I am always surprised at the ones who will talk loudly on speakerphone when they are out shopping. Just the other day I felt like I was following a woman at Target because I could hear her conversation from several aisles away. She was telling a friend very intimate details about her divorce and custody hearing and talked the entire time she was in the store.

A few days later I was in the pharmacy, when a man looking at greeting cards shared family stories with a stranger who was also looking at cards. They weren't good stories, and I'm surprised he was actually buying cards for people he disliked so much. Not to be out done, she also had her share of horror stories. Once again, they were very loud, and I could easily hear them from several aisles away.

Now if you are starting to get the idea that I am just a creepy eavesdropper sort of person, I'm really not. Anyway, not most of the time. For the sake of clarity, I will admit that during the time when I was alone and lonely I used to deliberately listen to old married couples in restaurants. More than once I fought off the urge to go to their tables and tell them to be nicer to each other.

There are also people who want to share happy times. There is a cashier I see in another store who tells everyone the story of how his parents met. He enjoys it every time he repeats it, and I try to take the time to listen.

Sometimes it is easier to share things with strangers than with those we know. When I was going through sadness and misery, I remember more than one occasion when I cried with women who were there for me in the very worst moments, but I never saw them again. I will always think of them as my angels and remember the kindness they gave me when I desperately needed it.

It is a good thing to share connections and experiences with other people. Let's just try not to do it loudly and publicly.

A Fish Story

 

A Fish Story

 

Yesterday was John's birthday. He is 82. I don't know if he would want me to tell you that, but after all, this is my blog so I can say whatever I want. For his birthday we decided to get a fish. We have a picture here of Mr. Fish. This is the closest thing we have had for a pet since I have been part of this family.

We spent a lot of time discussing this and wondering if we were ready. Pet ownership, after all, is a big responsibility. I have never had a fish. Several years ago, John had a goldfish who was also named Mr. Fish. He lived several years. He seemed to have a real relationship with Mr. Fish, because there are family stories about how he would tickle Mr. Fish's belly. I guess they were very close.

We talked about the name for our new family member. John wanted Mr. Fish 2. I vetoed that because everyone should have their own name. I am Mrs. Brafford 2 but would really like to be called by my first name. I think our fish would feel the same. We decided on the name Rudolfo.

We also talked about where to put him. John wanted the coffee table. I didn't. My vote was the mantel or maybe the top of the desk. If there was going to be any belly tickling going on, I didn't want it in my direct line of vision.

So as you can see, we did not make this decision lightly. We googled and read reviews and picked a local store that sounded promising. When we got there, the building was open, but no one was there. When we went back to our car we noticed some activity next door, so we went inside. We discovered that the owner was in the middle of downsizing and wouldn't really have anything available for a few weeks. We were disappointed because we really wanted to buy local. We googled again and decided to try a big box pet store on the other side of town. This was like a pet supermarket. They had everything pet related we could think of. Everything, that is, except fishbowls!

Did you know that fishbowls are considered inhumane? I didn't. I thought that a fish would happily live in a fishbowl. Not true. Modern fish need fish tanks. And if they are goldfish then they need very big fish tanks. After hearing how terrible we were for wanting a goldfish bowl we decided to try again. The next store didn't have very good reviews but we thought we would give it a try. The reviews were right. The building was very old and dirty, but the owner was very knowledgeable about fish. Once again we heard how no one has a fishbowl anymore and that we really needed a big ugly tank. I was holding a small one that I thought might be a possibility when there was a sudden movement by our feet. I screamed and jumped as a mouse ran by, barely missing my shoe. The owner said, very nonchalantly, that he usually catches about four a day. I didn't drop the tank, which was a good thing. But by this time we decided we weren't ready to be fish parents yet.

We changed to his alternate birthday gift which was a sports jacket. We drove back across town to the big mall. We hadn't been there since John bought a suit for our wedding. He still gets online ads  from the store at least once a week. When we got there we couldn't find the store. Finally we learned that it closed a few years ago! So we tried another store and he found a perfect fit. Then we looked at the price tag, and it was over seven times our budget! That is why I never shop at the big mall!!!

One more time, across town again. He found the right jacket at the right price, and everyone was happy. We ended the day with a nice birthday dinner with family. The only problem there was a nice gift card for a movie theatre which no longer accepts them. There aren't any AMC theatres in our area anymore. Who knew? Obviously, not us.

I do hope this doesn't indicate how our year is going to be. At least my birthday is several months away.

EVERYWHERE IT'S CHRISTMAS

EVERYWHERE IT'S CHRISTMAS

Last week I shared some stories about my trees over the years. I probably sounded a little bit particular about what I did and didn't like. (Christmas balls!). I relented a little and bought a few vintage glass balls to add to the tree. I really couldn't find very many, and when I did, the prices were mostly more than I wanted to pay. I love old things, but I don't always understand why keeping them in an old falling apart original box makes them worth so much more money. So now we have some old bubble lights, breakable glass ornaments, and two funny little elves living in our tree. They wouldn't be my choice, but I guess it isn't just my Christmas. John's taste is a lot different than mine. I'm just glad he doesn't insist on ornaments with googly eyes. Actually, the little elves are pretty cute. I found them at Target and they were just the right size for the red ladder.

I'm really not sure what the story is about Target and some of the other stores this year. I was there earlier in the season and thought they were just putting merchandise out later than usual. But now it almost looks like they are finished and clearing it out. I don't know if a large amount has been sold or if it was never in stock.

I'm not one to talk to strangers in stores, but I was so discombobulated by the vast emptiness in the Christmas aisles that I started a conversation with another shopper. She was just as surprised as I was. I will probably be back in a few days and will check again. It seems too early to be clearing it all out. Maybe they just haven't gotten everything in yet. Could this be a result of the tariffs?  Are other stores like this too? I haven't done a lot of shopping this year. I've been ordering online. I have noticed that my packages are taking longer to get here, and that the arrival dates usually change at least once. We have cut our gift lists, and I am making some of the presents. Also, I am trying to shop more at the small independent businesses. 

Even though the big stores don't seem as festive as before, restaurants are going crazy with decorations. I went to lunch at a popular cafe this week, and they had put up even more than last week's pizza place. Every inch of the rooms was covered in sparkle! Dots of colored light fell from the ceiling to the floors, swirling around everywhere. Lights were dimmed to set off the colors. The ceiling and walls were covered and there were trees all over. Every table had a sign reminding customers not to stay more than an hour so that others could enjoy the views. For me, it was just too much.

                                                                               

                                 Pella, Iowa hosted its' annual tour of homes last weekend. Four beautiful houses were open to the public and they did have a large crowd. It is one of their big events every year. I really enjoy the clever ways that the owners decorate their homes. I guess I really am into quality over quantity. Or more likely, imagination over quantity. I don't like seeing bare shelves in stores, but I also feel that everything this year is either not enough or too much. I am feeling very Grinchy-Scroogy and wanting to simplify. HoHoHo.

  

  

EASE, ELEGANCE, and ECONOMY

 

EASE, ELEGANCE, and ECONOMY

 

I am a big fan of Jane Austen. Even more than her books, I like her letters. Even though she was born two hundred and fifty years ago, she said a lot in her novels of contemporary nineteenth century life that still make sense today.

She wrote a letter to her sister, Cassandra, in July of 1808 that contained this passage: "In the meantime for Elegance and Ease, and Luxury...I shall eat ice and drink French wine, and be above Vulgar Economy." Jane did like a good vacation.

Many years later I read these familiar words again in another book that I happened to find. This one was printed in  1971, and was one of my favorites when I was a young wife: 

It's out of print now but used copies can still be ordered through book stores. I liked it because it was funny, yet filled with charts and schedules. I remember she said that the only thing she really liked about housekeeping was arranging red roses in crystal vases. 

The words I remember most were her opinions on ease, elegance, and economy. Basically, she said that you can never have all three at the same time. You can always have two of them, but never all. And it changes. If you want to buy something, make something, entertain someone, or just do something wild and crazy for yourself, then one of these will have to be excluded.

It's possible to plan a party with ease and elegance, but not with economy, because you will have to spend more money. You can have an elegant, economical party, but it won't be easy, because you will be doing most of the work yourself. Or you can just throw something together and make it easy and economical, but you'll be missing all those fine touches that make it elegant!

I'm not sure why this has stuck with me for fifty years, but it applies to just about every situation. I'm not sure what happened to my copy of the book, but it is worth reading more than once. I remember making some pretty elaborate schedules when my kids were small. 

Another housekeeping book I liked was this one:

For quite a while I kept my whole life on index cards. The authors' motto was "We change lives with 3 x 5's. They were two sisters, Pam and Peggy, and were hilarious. They had a tv show for a while, and I always tried to watch it. They were even keynote speakers at a convention I went to, and let me be their assistant, because I wrote them a really schmaltzy fan letter. They wrote back to me. I probably still have it somewhere. I finally got rid of all their newsletters, and instantly regretted it.

Another homemaker author I enjoyed was Peg Bracken and her "I Hate to Cook" book and "I Hate to Housekeep" book. As people can probably tell, I am drawn to the funny and the ridiculous advice books, as long as they teach me something I want to learn.

And, then, of course there is Martha Stewart, who tried to make us think that we could have the Three E's, although I never feel that economy is involved. One year I wanted to use one of her Christmas ideas, but I realized that just the ribbon would cost my entire budget. And Martha isn't funny. Impressive, but not funny.

Today, I still enjoy all the housekeeping and decorating tips, but am becoming addicted to YouTube videos. Everyone I see has a perfect life. Recently, I've been watching several of the videos called "Wise Elders Insights." They are filled with good advice for our twilight years, but not with a lot of humor. They are narrated with a very soothing voice that makes me feel like I must have known Jane Austen personally.  (I might be a little touchy since I just had a birthday!) I'm still hunting for the perfect clean your house, organize your day, be clever, and enjoy your life and laugh whenever you can information. I know it must be out there.

 I am mostly an online shopper. I love the convenience, the almost instant availability, and especially being able to shop in the middle of the night. That can be a problem since we all know that no good decisions are ever made after midnight.                                                                                                       

When I was a teen, shopping with friends was a favorite activity. In fact we used to get dressed up to go shopping. I also liked to take the entire day to shop by myself. It didn't happen often, but I always looked forward to it. As a young mom, the grandparents would watch the little ones on Friday nights so I could go to the grocery store and mall by myself. Jim worked from 6am to11pm the first few years of our marriage, so I didn't get away by myself very often. Most of the time I had a gaggle of children with me. They were usually pretty well behaved. They do still shudder at any mention of  "The Pink House", which was a needlework store I loved to visit. They didn't. It was in an old victorian house and wasn't really very child friendly. 

Most of the places I shopped were pleasant. Many of the small boutique stores would have an area for children with color books and small toys.

I've always liked the little stores, junk stores, and antique shops. It's been a long time since I spent a whole day at "The Mall". In fact I still think of our largest retail mall as new, even though it's been here for over twenty years.

I did go shopping for a while yesterday. I don't last a whole day anymore. My local craft store (JoAnn's) has closed, and I have a really hard time finding what I want at the other stores. So it wasn't my most successful trip. And, of course, now it is Christmas in July. Nearly half of the places I went have tremendous displays of Halloween and Christmas items. I am not ready yet. But, by the time I am, I already know that the items I want will be sold out.

My main objective right now is to shop from the things I already have. I already know that I will never live long enough to actually use all the things I've already accumulated. But, why is it that I never have the one item that I need? 

Weekly on Wednesday

Happy July!

 July is my birthday month, and I am immature enough to celebrate it like a child. In fact, now I celebrate all month. I know a lot of people say that they don't even notice their birthdays or think the day isn't special, but I have always believed that it should be an exciting and whimsical day. After all, we only get one birthday a year.

I think that since it is the middle of the year, and the middle of summer, that should be enough of a reason for a party. When I was a teen, my friends all gave me a surprise party for at least two of my birthdays. One was a regular boy/girl party, and I think I found out about it ahead of time. I remember that someone (my boyfriend, I think) gave me a Barbra Streisand album. She was one of my favorite singers. The second party was early morning. I was staying at my friend's house, and everyone woke me up. I remember my orange pajamas, and bright blue scarf covering my pink sponge hair rollers. Everyone else was dressed. I was so happy that only girls were invited to that one. We had a delicious breakfast and presents. I still think that was a really clever way to have a surprise party.

Through the years there have been lots of family birthday dinners, and time with family. I have had a lot of birthdays.

Once we drove into the country to buy a load of antique bricks to make a patio at our first house. The truck broke down, and it was a hot and crabby day. And then we unexpectedly sold the house, and never even got to use the patio.

I've always tried to take the day off work for my birthday. Usually I've gone shopping by myself, or out to lunch with a friend. When I couldn't get the day off, I was probably whiny and miserable. One year, my work friends had a little party for me, and someone sent me flowers, so I actually got a lot of attention. They even decorated my desk.

One terrible summer, I had a birthday in the middle of radiation treatments, and the nurses brought me a cake. They had noticed the date on my chart, and surprised me with it. Cake always makes a bad day better.

Another time I attended an embroidery class with a nationally known teacher who had come to Iowa. That was an enjoyable day. I did refrain from telling a roomful of strangers that it was my birthday, even though I was singing Happy Birthday to Me on the inside.

 I like to celebrate from midnight to midnight. I have always believed the whole day should be memorable. Many times I've written in a journal, reflected on the past year, and made resolutions for the next one. I also try to do a tarot card reading.

One year everyone forgot my birthday. Everyone. That was the year I decided to celebrate by myself, and make sure every year was special.

My first year alone, I was going to buy myself a little present every day. That only lasted a few days because I spent my whole budget on an antique desk that I found and loved. It had to spend a few years in storage with most of my other furniture when I lived in the fraternity house, but I was thrilled to get it back again.

Birthday cards are another thing that I keep. That probably isn't a surprise to anyone. I really like the nice ones. I used to get a monkey card almost every year from my late husband. He knew to also get a pretty one too. I'm glad that John hasn't kept up the monkey tradition.

One tradition that I do every year is to make a New Moon List on the first New Moon after my birthday. It sounds very greedy, but the list has to be physical things that you hope to get in the next year. The first one I saved was in 1992! I put them in a sealed envelope and open it on my birthday. I did forget once and made the list on a full moon instead. I don't think any of my wishes came true that year. I put the date on my calendar. It's a silly tradition, I know. I'm not even sure where I learned about it.

I believe everyone should make their own silly traditions and that whenever your special day is, it should be celebrated. I'm planning to have a good July. I hope you are too.

A Special Request: I know I have a very small following here, but if you like to read my musings and stories, please use the share button to share them with your friends. I would love to have more readers. Thank you so much.