Yesterday and Tomorrow

Mostly Empty Shelves Wherever I Shop

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I thought that if we all just stayed home for two or three weeks, then the world would go back to normal. Well, that didn't happen, did it? The world nearly stopped for several weeks, and many did stay home. Those were the rules, but not everyone is a rule follower. Our lives didn't change that much at first, because we don't go out a lot. I never dreamed that I would have to wait so long to see our children and grands. Since I didn't feel comfortable working at the funeral home, I decided to take time off, by choice. Because of that, I'm not eligible for unemployment. Luckily, that is part time, and not a necessary income.  And I practically stopped shopping. We ordered groceries online a few times, but decided that shopping for ourselves was better than having others shopping for us. I will probably never use all of the gallon of Crisco oil that was sent as a substitution. If I order online again, I will be sure to check the "Do Not Substitute" box! I ended up with some things I never ordered. We have been to Menard's a few times. I am pretty comfortable there because masks are required. Yesterday I finally went to the fabric store and Barnes and Noble. It was very disappointing. I should have waited a little longer. Everything has been rearranged and many shelves are half empty. I think a lot of magazines have suspended publication for a while. I used to like to wander around and browse and look at things and ponder life when I shopped. Now it has become a lesson in efficiency to finish quickly.

I see more anger all around. I am just about to give up on Facebook groups, since most of the ones I'm in are erupting daily in squabbles and nastiness. Administrators keep reminding members of the rules, and eliminating posts. Some have even closed down. Coincidence? I don't think so.

And now,  nearly all summer activities have been suspended, or postponed, or cancelled completely.  Since the Iowa State Fair has recently been cancelled, we will not have the three Brafford lemonade and hot dog stands in August this year. That will make a big difference to us and to the employees! It is both a relief and a disappointment. 

Some of our children have been able to work at home, so that has been fortunate. We have several in various aspects of the restaurant business, so that has not.  Two of my children have been exposed to Covid 19 at work and had to be tested. My daughter-in-law works in a hospital in contact with infected patients, and looks like she is dressed for battle everyday at her job.

And in the midst of all this, I don't mean to ignore the tension and riots that are happening every day in our city, and country, and world. I remember the marches and the powerful speeches from the 1960's. I thought the world would have changed for the better by now. 

Every morning for months I have listened to the news and waited for the numbers. I deeply believe this virus is a serious happening and that it is everyone's responsibility to treat it as such. As time goes on, I think that many have decided they are done with it and no longer believe in taking it seriously. We are moving on, and reopening places that will need to be closed again. This isn't over just because we want it to be.

Two Hearts Today

Two hearts on sticks. It says "I want to try Today".  This is a crafting project I made several years ago, and today it really seems appropriate. Because sometimes I feel like a woman with two hearts. Today would have been Jim's 70th birthday. He died a few days after turning 62, so now he has been gone for 8 years. It is still hard to believe. Some days it seems like I just became a widow. I vividly remember how  frightening and unfamiliar everything was. My life changed in so many ways, and I felt that everything had been taken away. And other days, now it seems like forever ago. I have learned to be alone. And I have learned to love again. I never, ever thought I would. I even had the word "Forever" tattooed on my wrist. And he was my forever. We married just after turning nineteen, and had almost 43 years together. I see him in our children and grandchildren. I will always grieve that they did not have more time with him, and that he wasn't here to be with them as they grew. I miss him very much and the life I thought we would continue together.

And yet, at the same time, I am so in love with John. (Old People Romance) I am looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together. The feelings are sometimes complicated, and confusing. We both understand that we can love two people. I miss Jim, but want to be with John. I am excited to change my life again and to share it with the man who is perfect for me now. Our wedding is in 111 days. The time is going quickly! Except for June. June is a month that I am always anxious to be done with. Father's Day, Jim's birthday, John's wife's death, and finally, Jim's death on the last day of this not so lovely month.

That has been my day today. Missing my Forever, but happy to begin again with my Always. My two hearts. But, no more tattoos. He'll just have to take my word for it.

Sticks and Strings and Other Things

There was a time in my life when there was never enough time. Isn't it strange that we can be so busy that we dream of a few moments of solitude, but when it arrives, we don't quite know what to do with it, do we? I grew up in a large family, and then was the proud mama of five, so I have always known a little bit about noise, and the difficulties of finding a quiet time and the space to be alone. And, then, suddenly, there were months and then years when I was alone, and everything in my life became reduced to doing the necessary things, and then staring out of a window or losing myself in a book for hours every day.
And then suddenly one day, I took a giant step and moved myself into a little space in a big house. There is a lot of noise, and activity, and laughter, and wrestling matches, and arguments about whether a hot dog is a sandwich.... And I am hearing certain words and phrases more times in one day than I have ever heard them in my life. My job here is to be nearly invisible and in the background, which is understandable. How many young men want to live with an old (who, Me?) woman?   None, of course. And I totally get that. But, yes, they are friendly to me, and polite, and respectful. And most of them talk to me a lot. And I am laughing again. I have the feeling that Jim and Rich are laughing too.

This began as a post about all the things I have been making with my free time. That is the Sticks and Strings part. I really miss having a crafting room, because, at one time, I had the best of the best. But knitting and crocheting don't have to take a lot of room, so I have been busy in my little space. First, I made a large afghan, as a Christmas gift.

Next, some smaller projects. I needed a bag to hold my yarn.

And then, a smaller bag.....

I couldn't resist this granny tea cosy:

And a decorated vase:

I saved my best for last, and now my picture won't come up. So I'll be back.........

Maybes and Mishaps

I've been feeling just a little melancholy lately.Maybe it's the weather. Spring just doesn't want to happen this year. Maybe it's the holidays. And maybe it's just that I feel that some changes are on the horizon. It is really hard not to miss all the people and objects that I no longer have. I use up such a large portion of my energy and my brain just trying not to think about the way life used to be. Of course, at night, there are no shields, so I often wake from disturbing dreams. Who knows? Nearly every night, I dream about death and houses. Maybe I am just tired from all that dreaming.
Lately, I have spent lots and lots of time trying not to think about my old house. Even though I am very well suited to my current place, it doesn't feel like it is really mine. Maybe it's because renting doesn't feel like a permanent committment.  I'm not sure. I do know that I really wish I had more shelves and cupboards and drawers!
We have had a lot of stormy weather lately, with sirens and newscasts and everyone I know facebooking from their basements. That could be it. I am missing my basement and my lovely, organized crafting room. That is the one room here in my new place that I can not get to come together. Without all my shelves, and cupboards, and drawers, I can never seem to find anything. Maybe I am just creatively stifled.
Today I met the sweet young family who bought our little cottage. And it makes me so very,very glad (in my melancholy way). I have heard such good reports about them and I can tell that they truly love the house.Maybe that shouldn't even matter but it does. I believe that old houses have a sort of soul and absorb the feelings of the people who live there.Maybe that's the difference. A rental is often just a temporary home. So many tenants only stay a year. I plan to live here for quite a while, but I've seen lots of people move in and out of the neighborhood since I've been here. My downstairs neighbor moved out yesterday, and even though I hardly ever saw him, the house feels different. Maybe after I have been here a little longer, and feel more organized, this place will have more soul. Maybe.

100 Things About Me- Part one

I was sorting through boxes (still and again) and found this picture. I think I was probably three. It made me think of the lists I often see and have never tried to do. So here it is---Things about me That Aren't Really Important to Anyone Else......but isn't that why we have blogs?????
1.I don't want to be too predictable.
2.I am from a really unusual family who could easily fill this list, but I am trying to make it all about me.
3.I really do love Irish music.
4.I prefer tea but drink a lot of coffee.
5.I like to knit and crochet, but have never made anything that has to be fitted.
6.I still have the first "antique" I ever bought. Candlelsticks. 50 cents
7. My absolutely favorite job was at  a living history museum. It was my life for many years.
8,I can make jewelry from hair. (See #7)
9.I can cook on a woodstove (Ditto)
10. I know more about nineteenth century ettiquette than anyone probably wants to know.
11. I always spell etiquette wrong. Other than that, I am a really good speller.
12.I was a page at the Iowa Legislature when I was in high school, and worked there again for a session four years ago. Loved it.
13. I've always hated office jobs.
14. I work in an office.
15.I have always wanted a gypsy wagon in my back yard.
16. Now that I rent, I don't have a backyard.......or a gypsy wagon.
17. Sometimes I tell fortunes at parties.
18. I used to have a fairy ring in my yard. Every day I made a wish when I got off the school bus. For years.
19. I'm mom to five children. My mother has five children. My grandmother had five children.
20.Sometimes I write poetry. Not often.
21. I really want to write a book, but I'm afraid to start.
22.I have been baptized three times.
23.Every single moment of my life is touched by grief. I have learned to live, even to enjoy. But it is there. Every. Single. Moment.
24. I married at nineteen and never regretted it.
25. New furniture makes me nervous. I like things to have a little wear.
Okay. End of Part One. 100 really seems like a lot.

Remembering Rich

Richard Thomas Moran  September 27,1979-September 23, 2010

Dear Rich,
It's been three years since you gave us the ultimate Irish Goodbye. One minute you were with us and then, suddenly you were gone. A lot has happened in that time, but we are sure you are keeping tabs on us. And, of course, you have your dad with you too. And so many others. Several of your friends have gotten married and have babies now. Life does go on.
People say it gets easier, but I think we all miss you just as much as ever. You are always, always in my thoughts. When I forget what I'm saying, or stop typing in the middle of a sentence at work, it's because you are there. When I have a blank look on my face, and don't follow a conversation, it's because I am remembering you. When I see a pineapple, or a lighthouse, or the moon, or all those silly mustaches that are everywhere now, I think of you. Because of you, my taste has become positively tacky. I even bought a coin purse that looks like a pineapple. Meg bought shoes with pineapples on them, so it's not just me. Are you laughing yet? And the music. I can hardly listen to anything because of the memories. So, don't worry, I think it's pretty safe to say that you are always Number 1 with us.
Do you recognize this list? I found it after you left. I framed it and decorated it. You would probably think that is crazy. I'm not sure when you wrote it. Some of the things you got to do. The rest, I hope you are doing now.

Go to Vegas

Mardi Gras

Backpack through Europe

Go to Ireland

Drive through America

Own a lighthouse

Write.......something

See the Pyramids

Meet Jimmy Buffett

Earn College Diploma

Be on a gameshow

Reread the Bible

Be able to quote Shakespeare

Act-then direct

Carnival in Rio

See the ruins at Machu Pichu

See a bullfight

Run with the bulls in Pamplona

Figure out why JD Salinger is so damn secretive

Be a cowboy

See a game at Wrigley

Learn to sail

Meet James Ellroy

Go to Iceland

Go to Australia and New Zealand

I don't find as many quarters as I used to. But they are still popping up here and there. We see red cardinals all the time. Oh, and I found this laminated and stuck in your mirror." LIBRA: Take stock of your life, and implement long-term plans and preparations. The need to wait until everything is right will turn to a desire to get things done and move to the next level." Did you know?

Love,

Mom

A Year And A Day

Today it has been a year and a day since I became a widow. I have now passed all the first anniversaries-first birthday, first holidays, first wedding anniversary, and first year. Each one has been bitter and sweet, filled with memories and with emptiness.
In Victorian times, the official period of mourning lasted between two and three years. First mourning was for a year and a day. During that time a proper widow was expected to only see close friends and family and have very limited social contacts. Clothing was limited to black, usually crepe and non shiny fabrics. Everything was expected to be very plain, with no shine. When a widow did go out, she often wore a veiled bonnet, and could keep her face covered, so people wouldn't see her grief. The dyes used to treat the veiling was very irritating, so probably caused even more tears, and headaches, and feelings of faintness. I have read that cuffs on sleeves were often very wide and called "weepers', serving extra duty as handkerchiefs for weepy eyes.
Second mourning lasted for nine months. Still black, but a little more decoration was involved. A little bit of trim, a little bit of shine was considered to be proper. More jewelry was allowed, but mourning pieces were expected to be worn. A widow could be more active and no longer wore the veil.
And finally half mourning, when colors were allowed, particularly lavenders and greys.
I am ready for a little bit of shine. But, in my heart, this victorian gypsy will probably always be in First Mourning. I love you, Jim. Forever.

Remember Me?

It's not that I don't like to write. I do. In fact, I love to put my words on paper. And I like computers, but they just don't like me. Sometimes I think my life is just one big technical difficulty after another. Right now my laptap won't sinc with my printer, my pictures want to stay on the camera, and my desktop doesn't like the Internet, and for the life of me, I just can't type on my Nook. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, whatever did I do with the last two months?
I'm here, and I'm ok. Sometimes that is a victory. Lots of family times. Holidays, a First Communion, and a Baptism (that one got a little delayed by life events). Bridget and Matt's wedding will be here in September. I've been volunteering with Amanda the Panda. Our 8 week session ends soon, but I will help again in the fall. I really want to get more training and to help others who are grieving since has become so much a part of my everyday life.
And I have been reading. And reading. And reading. Every night when I come home from my busy job to my quiet house, I read. Mostly fiction.  Light, cozy mysteries where everyone lives in lovely, little villages, and the good guy always wins. I was raised on Nancy Drew, and I want my crimesolvers to be light hearted and witty, with a great sense of history. I think I have covered almost every century. I like books in series, and have been reading one right after the other. I always stop before the final one, though. I don't like endings.
I really hoped I would use my time in creative endeavors, instead I have chosen to lose myself in books. This has been my way of coping. And I think it has been working. Finally, I am ready to make some changes. I hope to become more creative again. Sometimes, I feel that just maybe..... the fog is lifting, and my brain is starting to function. Gratefully, I am ready to join the world again, at least in little bits. I'm taking a real vacation. A few more days and I will be traveling to my favorite place in all the world. ENGLAND. I still can't believe I am going, but I am starting to pack.

March Madness

Here is an old photo from RiverView, the premier amusement park in our area when I was growing up. This is where I had almost all of my "first dates', birthday parties, and lovely afternoons. I always hated the roller coaster. I was more of a carousel kind of girl. And maybe the ferris wheel-if I felt like an adventure. I remember how happy I was the day I realized that I didn't have to pretend to like the roller coaster, and I never rode on it again. Haven't missed it a bit.
Unfortunately, my whole life is like a roller coaster ride now. Up and down. Knocking the breath out of me when I least expect it. Long climbs up scary hills and then swooooooosh, there I am at the bottom again. And I don't even pretend to like it.
By the way, they also had a gypsy fortune teller at RiverView. Loved her. Some things just don't change.

Ring In the New

Happy New Year! Can you hear my sigh of relief that it is 2012? When I posted last January, I gave myself two words for the year. One was Accept, which I am keeping. The other was Soar. I didn't. I also wanted to revamp my blog and set a goal of 200 followers. I did add a few, but missed the goal. I am grateful for those of you who have stayed with me. Many of my posts start at one place and end up entirely somewhere else. So much of my past eighteen months have just been about getting through another day that I am almost afraid to even plan for the future. That's why I liked this post by Dr. Wayne Dyer:

"Forget about those New Year’s resolutions in which you decide on the first day of January how you will be conducting your life for the next twelve months. Instead, set up day-to-day goals for yourself, and then resolve to begin living with present moment awareness for the rest of your life. When you get good at living your present moments one day at a time, you’ll see yourself changing right before your own surprised eyes. Remember, anyone can do anything for just one day, so tune out the sentences that keep you locked into your old self-defeating ways and begin to enjoy each day of your bright new year."

I have always liked to make Resolutions. For years I have stayed up until the New Year, taking stock of my past year and planning for the future. But, I have learned that the Future is a wily old scoundrel who sometimes has his way with us, no matter what we may plan. I have changed so much from the woman who started a little crafty blog, and wanted to share her thoughts about her happy, hectic life. I miss her so.

CHRISTMAS MOURNING

REMEMBERING RICH AND JIM

CHRISTMAS 2011

This isn't the Christmas I've dreamed of, it's true...

But I still want to send a greeting to you.

I'll always remember this year as the worst.

And, yes, I do wonder if maybe I'm cursed.

It's been a hard year, and you all have come through

With love and with friendship, I am grateful for you.

I know that I haven't always answered the phone.

My body is here, but my heart isn't at home.

There's an unwritten law--when one loses a spouse-

Everything falls apart in the house.

The furnace, the faucets, the drains, and the car---

But these aren't the reasons I miss him, by far!

I'm tired of sadness, I'm wearied by sorrow...

I'm sick of waiting each day for tomorrow.

So I cry when I laugh and I laugh when I cry

And don't understand why good people die.

But little by little, and yes, bit by bit.

The tree is put up, and the candles are lit.

The stores are too cheery with music and such

So I'm shopping online and not doing much.

I try to remember, though it's lonely down here

There's a party upstairs... And they are feeling the cheer.

Go hug all your children. Give your loved ones a kiss

And celebrate Christmas for those that we miss.

Love,

Sandi

A Very Paper Christmas

I've decided to have a very simple Christmas this year, so I bought a skinny tree of the very cheap variety. I set it on a box to make it look taller and proceeded to embellish. Most of my decorations are made from one old book. I pleated rosettes, glued them together and added old fashioned Santas. A large one forms the tree topper. Other pages were rolled into cornucopias, filled with red berries and rosemary. Birds were cut from cardboard, book pages, and scrapbook paper, with pleated wings. And sticks from the yard are stuck randomly into the tree. My most favorite decoration is the long chain. It's made from many bits of fabric, sewed onto a heavy interfacing, decorated with all sorts of fancy stitches and ribbons, and then cut into strips and all buttoned together. I've used lots of sentimental pieces
and written names and dates and sayings on them. I even had some fabric from the clothes I made from my girls when they were small. And from doll clothes. (I was always going to use them for a doll quilt or something. Now, I finally have.) I still have more to finish, but this works for my tree and is a great memory chain. I spent a lot of time creating it, and trying out the stitches on my sewing machine. The grandkids like looking for their names. I will probably keep it out after the holiday. It may become a window garland.

There is also a wreath made of book pages. So far, that's it, except for the Advent calendars. I do need something for the fireplace.

I do miss seeing all my ornaments, and other decorations, and Christmas village, and the big tree, but this just isn't the year for them. Next year: happier times and more decorating.

I really have to apologise for the terrible quality of the photos. I am just never home at a decent time of day to take pictures lately. And I knew, if I didn't add this now, it wouldn't happen in December. Happy Holidays!

The New Thankful 2011

Every life is full. Good things and not so good things. And sometimes we have to look for the good things. I feel very vulnerable this Thanksgiving. Just a year ago, I thought that if I could just get through the holidays after Rich's sudden death, then life would get better. I never even dreamed that we would sit down to our Thanksgiving meal with another missing place at the table. Yes, it is hard to be happy, and sometimes it is hard to be grateful, but giving thanks is what this time of year is all about.

I am grateful for the friends and family who gather and the way that we can all support each other. I am grateful that we can always find things to laugh about even when we cry.

It's been a good day. Most of us were able to come to KC to spend it with my oldest daughter, Erin, and her family. They had a houseful--nineteen of us for dinner. My son's family had to stay in Des Moines because of work schedules, but we should all be together to celebrate Christmas.

Trent, my son-in-law, is always the cook, and the the rest of us just plan to stay out of his way, and handle the cleanup. He takes his Turkey very seriously, even wearing a chef's coat when putting our delicious dinner together. Jim always spent a lot of time in the kitchen with him, so I know he felt the loss this year. But the other men stepped in. In some ways today was a comedy of errors, and we really felt Jim's presence in many ways. We really thought he and Rich might have been playing a few tricks. There was a little problem with the turkey when they realized that the oven wasn't on, so dinner was delayed! Next, one of the sterno cans under the chafing dish caught fire and we had a little tablecloth disaster right before dinner. Everyone was screaming, and shouting and laughing, because for some reason we are always laughing in the face of disaster in this family. And, right then, one of my dead husband's favorite songs started playing on the radio!!

It was a great meal, though perhaps not our most elegant, with our makeshift centerpiece and singed tablecloth, and tired and hungry children.

We are starting to look forward to happy times. Middle daughter Meg will be moving to her dream home within a couple of months, and we are finally beginning to plan Bridget's wedding, which will be held there in the fall.

"Life goes on, though good men die." (Edna St. Vincent Millay)

A Portrait from Tess and Wise Words

Tess, who will be four in November, drew this picture for me. She calls it "Grammie in the Rain". I knew I had a black cloud over my head, but I had hoped I was hiding it from others. This week is the one year anniversary since we lost Rich. At the time I thought that was the worst thing that could happen. I don't know how I could have gotten through it without Jim. This week we will all be spending a lot of time together. Tomorrow the littlest of the grands will help me get out the Halloween decorations. This weekend we will all spend time cleaning up the yard for fall and celebrating life.

"This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its' place is something that you have left behind...let it be something good." Anonymous

JIM MORAN June 23,1949-June 30, 2011

I am a widow. Jim did great for three days after his surgery. Then started having probems. Wednesday morning he coded and they shocked him back, but we could see he was gone when we got to the hospital. We took him off the respirator on Thursday and he died three minutes later at 9:26. I am in shock, as are all of us. We thought we would have more time, even though we knew it was terminal. We found out yesterday that cancer tumors were in eighty percent of his liver. We didn't know that it was that extensive. I truly believe he was trying to save us the pain. His heart stopped as he was lying in bed, just like Rich's. He has always said he wanted to die alone, and not have everyone watching him, but he didn't get that wish. We were all there throughout the night. I've always said I wanted to go like Melanie a la GWTW, so I'll probably lie alone somewhere for a week before someone finds me. God delights in playing tricks with me, it seems. Once again, I am dreading the next few days, as we do all this with the same cast, different leading man.

(this picture was taken on Father's Day-I still can't believe he was sick)

Heartfelt Thanks

"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives, and when he isn't around, he leaves an awful hole doesn't he?"  Clarence Oddbody, ASC  (Angel, 2nd Class)
If a funeral could ever said to be perfect, this one was. The eulogy, the songs....everything reinforced how we thought of his "Wonderful Life".  More people than we ever imagined, have come to tell us how they loved Rich, and how important he was to them. His funeral was standing room only, and hundreds came to his wake/birthday party. And each of them had a story to tell. We are empty, yet comforted. Thank you all

                                                              Richard Moran 1979-2010
I will never dance at your wedding. I will never hold your future babies in my arms. I love you, my youngest child, and cannot beleive that you are gone from us. I remember before you were born, when strangers would come up to me and wonder aloud why I would have so many children. (In the 1970's big families really weren't considered to be politically correct.) I love all my children, but you were special, because you were the baby.
So many memories are going through my head tonite.  The story times and tea parties we would have when every one else was in school. Pokie and Benjie. The long talks. Watching wrestling (???) on tv. We thought you had a charmed life when you were little. Almost falling out of the car when the door unexpectedly opened. Riding your bicycle into a moving car. Riding the toboggan down the Killer Hills. Having the corner cupboard fall on top of you. And, oh yes, the little accident with the police car. I remember how you skipped school to go to the library and the coffee shop. Of course, you grew up, even though I keep seeing pictures of you in my head as a little boy. And we have always been proud of you and your brother and your sisters. I think you might enjoy hearing how we miss you. And you'd want to be around for the grand old Irish wake we are probably going to have.
So many terrible things have happened this year. And I have never cried. Not once. Not even a little. And now I cannot stop. On Monday it will be your thirtyfirst birthday. And we will say goodbye. May the wind be always at your back.