Yesterday and Tomorrow

Mostly Empty Shelves Wherever I Shop

Once upon a time, a long time ago, I thought that if we all just stayed home for two or three weeks, then the world would go back to normal. Well, that didn't happen, did it? The world nearly stopped for several weeks, and many did stay home. Those were the rules, but not everyone is a rule follower. Our lives didn't change that much at first, because we don't go out a lot. I never dreamed that I would have to wait so long to see our children and grands. Since I didn't feel comfortable working at the funeral home, I decided to take time off, by choice. Because of that, I'm not eligible for unemployment. Luckily, that is part time, and not a necessary income.  And I practically stopped shopping. We ordered groceries online a few times, but decided that shopping for ourselves was better than having others shopping for us. I will probably never use all of the gallon of Crisco oil that was sent as a substitution. If I order online again, I will be sure to check the "Do Not Substitute" box! I ended up with some things I never ordered. We have been to Menard's a few times. I am pretty comfortable there because masks are required. Yesterday I finally went to the fabric store and Barnes and Noble. It was very disappointing. I should have waited a little longer. Everything has been rearranged and many shelves are half empty. I think a lot of magazines have suspended publication for a while. I used to like to wander around and browse and look at things and ponder life when I shopped. Now it has become a lesson in efficiency to finish quickly.

I see more anger all around. I am just about to give up on Facebook groups, since most of the ones I'm in are erupting daily in squabbles and nastiness. Administrators keep reminding members of the rules, and eliminating posts. Some have even closed down. Coincidence? I don't think so.

And now,  nearly all summer activities have been suspended, or postponed, or cancelled completely.  Since the Iowa State Fair has recently been cancelled, we will not have the three Brafford lemonade and hot dog stands in August this year. That will make a big difference to us and to the employees! It is both a relief and a disappointment. 

Some of our children have been able to work at home, so that has been fortunate. We have several in various aspects of the restaurant business, so that has not.  Two of my children have been exposed to Covid 19 at work and had to be tested. My daughter-in-law works in a hospital in contact with infected patients, and looks like she is dressed for battle everyday at her job.

And in the midst of all this, I don't mean to ignore the tension and riots that are happening every day in our city, and country, and world. I remember the marches and the powerful speeches from the 1960's. I thought the world would have changed for the better by now. 

Every morning for months I have listened to the news and waited for the numbers. I deeply believe this virus is a serious happening and that it is everyone's responsibility to treat it as such. As time goes on, I think that many have decided they are done with it and no longer believe in taking it seriously. We are moving on, and reopening places that will need to be closed again. This isn't over just because we want it to be.

Fun Times at Home

We are living in a different world than we expected, aren't we? Our state, Iowa, isn't under an official "shelter in place" order, but of course nearly every one is doing just that.  Even though we have been staying in for over a week, it seems like much longer. 

My last big outing was to the grocery store, with one quick trip to Menard's. I am starting to notice how often I usually leave the house. Normally I do go to work at least two or three times a week, but not now. I don't usually think of myself as a shopper, but do like to go to a bookstore, library, and craftshop more often than I realized. Those are my "happy places." I like to wander around and get inspired. I'm pretty sure I like these stores because the clerks, though friendly, are usually unlikely to chat. I am not much of a chatterer. That is actually helping me now. John and I are used to living a pretty quiet life, so all this isn't as big a change for us as for many. Luckily, we don't have to worry about a big change in income, since we are mostly retired. The biggest difference for us is that we are no longer going out to dinner several times a week. We received a lot of restaurant gift cards for our wedding five months ago, and have been using them quite steadily. I've made no secret of being a begin-again cook. I realize that I have had several years of snacking instead of cooking!  It still surprises me that my new husband likes to eat dinner every night. He is a very good sport about it all, and he really isn't a very adventurous diner. This is probably good for me, because I do not like long and complicated recipes. I have discovered that I don't like to spend more time with food prep than it takes to eat the finished dish. I do spend a lot of time looking at recipes, just because I enjoy it. I'm not sure if it means anything though. I also like to spend a lot of time reading diet books.

I need to show our new whirligig. It's a bi-plane, and was adorably rusty when we bought it. I am attracted to men who like to paint purposely rusted yard ornaments. Years ago, I came home from work one day and Jim had painted all my yard art glossy white. John painted this one red, white, and blue. We found a Snoopy on a shelf, who fits almost perfectly. (He did have to have surgery on one leg) He still needs a goggle and helmet to be a proper Red Baron, but I did knit him a red scarf. When the wind blows, the plane flies, the propeller twirls, and the scarf blows. It is pretty cute, even if it isn't what I would have thought to be my style.

Moving-The Saga Continues

You would think I would be all moved by now. But I am not. I don't know why they call it "Moving Day". I've done it several times now and it always takes me a month. This time I planned it out, and started early. I was living in just two rooms for the past few years, so how much stuff could I have? Well, obviously, much more than I admit. Whenever I move, my main problem is paper. Books, magazines and files take up a large portion of space in my life. I don't know how it happens, but two narrow bookcases contain at least fifteen boxes of books when they are packed up. Heavy books! The math doesn't seem to match. Yes, I do have more than two bookcases. And files! I just can't believe it when people say you will never look at them again. I want to see everything.
I previously wrote about the bathtub story. I am still living it. My computer just broke. I may have dropped a box on it which contributed to its' sudden demise. When I went to buy a new one, I accidently backed into someone's new car in the parking lot. My House Mom job didn't end a month ago like I thought it would, and has involved some time consuming duties I wasn't planning to have. I found out that I can't have my mail forwarded because I am moving from a business to a residential address. So I am trying to let everyone know. And I will be changing my name. To add an extra little bit of complication and humiliation I sat in a chair which collapsed, and gave me several aches and bruises. I have cut out just about everything in my days recently that isn't necessary. (Okay, I did see the Downton Abbey movie, but that was absolutely necessary).
I have a new laptop now, but I am still trying to get used to it. Important files keep disappearing. Even now, my sentences are melting away, even as I write them. Am I the only one that has this happen? I've spent hours lately searching for things I need and used to have.
And now our wedding is only 2 weeks and 2 days away. There will be lots of changes! I no longer have a chef. I am enjoying cooking again, but you have to think about it every day!! I am learning to live with someone again. Really, twenty eight frat boys don't count. We are having a simple, but no longer small celebration. Most of the preparations are under control, if not finished. And I am sure it will come together. So I guess I am not yet a Bridezilla. Or, I am just in denial. Yes, that could be it. Today we got our marriage license. Now we are feeling pretty official! And very, very happy.

Two Hearts Today

Two hearts on sticks. It says "I want to try Today".  This is a crafting project I made several years ago, and today it really seems appropriate. Because sometimes I feel like a woman with two hearts. Today would have been Jim's 70th birthday. He died a few days after turning 62, so now he has been gone for 8 years. It is still hard to believe. Some days it seems like I just became a widow. I vividly remember how  frightening and unfamiliar everything was. My life changed in so many ways, and I felt that everything had been taken away. And other days, now it seems like forever ago. I have learned to be alone. And I have learned to love again. I never, ever thought I would. I even had the word "Forever" tattooed on my wrist. And he was my forever. We married just after turning nineteen, and had almost 43 years together. I see him in our children and grandchildren. I will always grieve that they did not have more time with him, and that he wasn't here to be with them as they grew. I miss him very much and the life I thought we would continue together.

And yet, at the same time, I am so in love with John. (Old People Romance) I am looking forward to spending the rest of our lives together. The feelings are sometimes complicated, and confusing. We both understand that we can love two people. I miss Jim, but want to be with John. I am excited to change my life again and to share it with the man who is perfect for me now. Our wedding is in 111 days. The time is going quickly! Except for June. June is a month that I am always anxious to be done with. Father's Day, Jim's birthday, John's wife's death, and finally, Jim's death on the last day of this not so lovely month.

That has been my day today. Missing my Forever, but happy to begin again with my Always. My two hearts. But, no more tattoos. He'll just have to take my word for it.

Beginnings and Endings

Today is Graduation. I am sitting here all alone at the Frat House feeling strangely sad and weepy. This is actually the first class that I have been with since they were freshmen. And they are also my last group since I will be leaving college life in a couple of months.
My life has changed so much in the last several years. It has turned and twisted many ways that I never, ever expected it to go. I never would have dreamed that I would have lost a son, been widowed, worked in a funeral home, been a frat mom  (We call it House Director), and fallen in love. Obviously, things have been getting a lot better lately!
This white board in the kitchenette is where I leave messages. Sometimes they read them. Sometimes, not. I always tell them I am going to write a book about life here. I don't know if they will believe it or not, but it just may hang over their heads if they ever run for office.
They are all exceptional young men and it has been a privilege to watch them grow and mature and move into the real world.
I remember that my first year I was constantly shocked, amazed, surprised or disgusted by something I saw or heard. Now, there is very little that ever surprises me. Sometimes, I still find them disgusting, but in a completely likeable way.  (Does that even make sense? Only if you live with 28 boys!) I have grown by this experience even more than they have.
So I just want to say Congratulations to the Class of 2019, and to those of you that will still be here after I leave. It has been a privilege and an adventure to be your invisible voice of reason,  your calming influence, and your House Mom.

Party Time

Today was my last day at the pediatricians office where I have been a receptionist for the last four years. It was a bittersweet day, but I have been ready to move on for a while. I wanted to wait until the timing was right.(Insurance!) and I was vested in the company.  I have been through a lot since I started working there in June of 2010 and I have made many good friends who have been very supportive when I needed it. I learned that I had breast cancer right after my interview and started at the office and began my radiation treatments the same week. The day after I finished treatment was the day that our son Rich died in his sleep. A few months after that, I lost Jim. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? And it was. But during that time and for a long time after, I lived in a perpetual fog. Going to work everyday was something I knew I had to do. I'm sure I wasn't the best employee they ever had, but so many people offered me support and encouragement over the next few years. Today, they gave me a wonderful party. And, lucky for me, I didn't have to follow the dress code today, because I was gifted with this lovely vest.  The handmade card (Thanks, Torry) and note were included.

        Dear Sweet Sandi,

A vest because you're fully vested

A peace sign to keep you always at peace with yourself

A starfish so you remember to take vacations

Peacock feathers so you remember how beautiful you are inside and out

Lights and colors so that you remember to party

Owls to keep you owly and wise

A telephone so you always keep in touch

                 Butterflies so that you fly away but hopefully fly back every now and again                 

We all enjoyed it and it has some wonderful charms and decorations that may turn into something else. And it even lights up!! I am going to miss seeing this group every day.  But now, I am on to new adventures.

The Old Grey Mare-A February Rant

This has been quite a week and it isn't over yet. Our new computer system went live at work this week, and for me it has been a nightmare. Literally, I have even been dreaming about it every night. All my young- and I do mean young- co-workers don't even realize what an advantage they have by working with computers all their lives. I can tell they are upset with me. And of course, at least once a day, the trainer will say to me that she has never seen "that" happen before, as my computer seems to do something entirely of it's own free will. No matter how many times someone tells me to push this key or that key, it absolutely makes no sense to me until I understand why I am doing it.
As we all know by now, electronics just don't seem to like me. My garage door opener quit working (And it is probably the coldest, snowiest week of the year.) My phone battery keeps draining and I don't know why.  And, yes, I am trying all the things I am supposed to do. And I must be the only person in the world who can't get the Facebook movie of my life to work. Etcetera, Etcetera, Etcetera
On the home front, here is a picture of all the mail I have gotten this week. This was the week my Medicare deluge started. (And after this week, retirement looks good, if only I could think of another way to make money and not have to learn anything new that I don't want to learn) Every single thing I've gotten this week has been from Medicare, or Aarp. Or a reminder to get burial insurance. Until today, when I got a pretty blue envelope inviting me to make this Valentine's Day one to remember! I can call now to reserve my place for a private showing of the latest in hearing aid technology. I am feeling so old. Even though I know that is better than the alternative. Any nice mail would be greatly appreciated.
It was no surprise to me to learn that Mercury is retrograde. All month. I can hardly wait  to see what else is ahead for me.

Finally Listed

Built in 1918-My Little Bungalow

My house is officially for sale! Thought I would never get to this point, but I did. Now I just have to keep it ever-ready for however long it takes. Here are a few pictures, and if you want to see more, just go here.
                                                                   

We bought the house in  2006 and moved in on June 23, Jim's birthday. It has been a good house, and I truly love it, but it was a house for another life. I'm not sure what my life will be like from now on, or even where I will be living. But I know I want to rent an apartment rather than buy, and to put money into my travel fund. That is the plan, such as it is. I really like this style of cottage, so I've been looking at buildings from the 1920's. I want solid paneled doors and woodwork, wooden floors, quirky rooms, and style that doesn't look like everybody else. Whoops, sounds like I want just what I'm leaving. I want small, but not too small, a space for sewing and crafts, and a tiny kitchen. Or maybe I want something downtown and industrial.My options are pretty open at this point. I just know I am done with houses, for now, anyway. As I have been writing about the rooms, I have had to go back and change "we" to "I" about six times. I will never get used to this being a house for one. It's a grand little house, and I wish it many more happy years, just not with me.

The magic camera makes everything look pretty big, but bedrooms in a bungalow are usually quite small. I put the bookcases together by myself last year. Being the book fanatic that I am, I thought that bookcases would make a perfect headboard and they do.

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I've blogged before about our basement remodeling. This is a large family room. I haven't watched tv for two years, and never use this room any more. How silly is that? There is also an almost kitchen, and my super-duper craft room and storage rooms here, and a great bathroom. For awhile, I thought about turning the downstairs into an apartment. 

Blogger is jumping all over the place tonite and I can't get any of these pictures the way I want them to go! But this is just an idea of what my house looks like now. I can't wait until I can start cluttering up all these bare surfaces again. I am hopeless!!

Remember Me?

It's not that I don't like to write. I do. In fact, I love to put my words on paper. And I like computers, but they just don't like me. Sometimes I think my life is just one big technical difficulty after another. Right now my laptap won't sinc with my printer, my pictures want to stay on the camera, and my desktop doesn't like the Internet, and for the life of me, I just can't type on my Nook. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, whatever did I do with the last two months?
I'm here, and I'm ok. Sometimes that is a victory. Lots of family times. Holidays, a First Communion, and a Baptism (that one got a little delayed by life events). Bridget and Matt's wedding will be here in September. I've been volunteering with Amanda the Panda. Our 8 week session ends soon, but I will help again in the fall. I really want to get more training and to help others who are grieving since has become so much a part of my everyday life.
And I have been reading. And reading. And reading. Every night when I come home from my busy job to my quiet house, I read. Mostly fiction.  Light, cozy mysteries where everyone lives in lovely, little villages, and the good guy always wins. I was raised on Nancy Drew, and I want my crimesolvers to be light hearted and witty, with a great sense of history. I think I have covered almost every century. I like books in series, and have been reading one right after the other. I always stop before the final one, though. I don't like endings.
I really hoped I would use my time in creative endeavors, instead I have chosen to lose myself in books. This has been my way of coping. And I think it has been working. Finally, I am ready to make some changes. I hope to become more creative again. Sometimes, I feel that just maybe..... the fog is lifting, and my brain is starting to function. Gratefully, I am ready to join the world again, at least in little bits. I'm taking a real vacation. A few more days and I will be traveling to my favorite place in all the world. ENGLAND. I still can't believe I am going, but I am starting to pack.

March Madness

Here is an old photo from RiverView, the premier amusement park in our area when I was growing up. This is where I had almost all of my "first dates', birthday parties, and lovely afternoons. I always hated the roller coaster. I was more of a carousel kind of girl. And maybe the ferris wheel-if I felt like an adventure. I remember how happy I was the day I realized that I didn't have to pretend to like the roller coaster, and I never rode on it again. Haven't missed it a bit.
Unfortunately, my whole life is like a roller coaster ride now. Up and down. Knocking the breath out of me when I least expect it. Long climbs up scary hills and then swooooooosh, there I am at the bottom again. And I don't even pretend to like it.
By the way, they also had a gypsy fortune teller at RiverView. Loved her. Some things just don't change.

CHRISTMAS MOURNING

REMEMBERING RICH AND JIM

CHRISTMAS 2011

This isn't the Christmas I've dreamed of, it's true...

But I still want to send a greeting to you.

I'll always remember this year as the worst.

And, yes, I do wonder if maybe I'm cursed.

It's been a hard year, and you all have come through

With love and with friendship, I am grateful for you.

I know that I haven't always answered the phone.

My body is here, but my heart isn't at home.

There's an unwritten law--when one loses a spouse-

Everything falls apart in the house.

The furnace, the faucets, the drains, and the car---

But these aren't the reasons I miss him, by far!

I'm tired of sadness, I'm wearied by sorrow...

I'm sick of waiting each day for tomorrow.

So I cry when I laugh and I laugh when I cry

And don't understand why good people die.

But little by little, and yes, bit by bit.

The tree is put up, and the candles are lit.

The stores are too cheery with music and such

So I'm shopping online and not doing much.

I try to remember, though it's lonely down here

There's a party upstairs... And they are feeling the cheer.

Go hug all your children. Give your loved ones a kiss

And celebrate Christmas for those that we miss.

Love,

Sandi

JIM MORAN June 23,1949-June 30, 2011

I am a widow. Jim did great for three days after his surgery. Then started having probems. Wednesday morning he coded and they shocked him back, but we could see he was gone when we got to the hospital. We took him off the respirator on Thursday and he died three minutes later at 9:26. I am in shock, as are all of us. We thought we would have more time, even though we knew it was terminal. We found out yesterday that cancer tumors were in eighty percent of his liver. We didn't know that it was that extensive. I truly believe he was trying to save us the pain. His heart stopped as he was lying in bed, just like Rich's. He has always said he wanted to die alone, and not have everyone watching him, but he didn't get that wish. We were all there throughout the night. I've always said I wanted to go like Melanie a la GWTW, so I'll probably lie alone somewhere for a week before someone finds me. God delights in playing tricks with me, it seems. Once again, I am dreading the next few days, as we do all this with the same cast, different leading man.

(this picture was taken on Father's Day-I still can't believe he was sick)

Be The Lighthouse

SOME DAYS THE ROAD IS LIT AND THE WAY IS EASY

OTHER DAYS THE PATH IS DARK AND THE GOING ROUGH

FEAR NO DARKNESS...BE THE LIGHTHOUSE.

After our son died last September, we found a "bucket list" when packing up his apartment. One of the items on it was "Own a lighthouse". I must admit, I never knew that, and I never even thought about lighthouses. Now, I see them everywhere. And that isn't easy. We live in the midwest, so they aren't usually something that one notices. And since I realized that the Moran family motto means 'Shine in Darkness', somehow it all seems connected.

Last week, it hit me again that our incredible run of bad luck isn't over. As we sat in the oncologist's office and heard the news that my husband's stomach pain was not the hernia that he had thought it was. Instead it is a stage 4 malignancy that has already spread to his liver. And, wouldn't you just know it, on the doctor's wall was a large painting of a lighthouse!

And, yes, now we are officially, the family that no one wants to be.

Happy Mothers' Day

SONG FOR A FIFTH CHILD

(THE VALUE OF VALUES)

Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth

Empty the dustpan--poison the moth

Hang out the washing--make up the bed

Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?

She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue

(Lullabye, rockabye, lullaby loo)

Dishes are waiting and bills are past due

(Lullabye, rockabye, lullaby loo)

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew

And out in the yard there's a hullaba-loo

But I'm playing "Kanga" and this is my "Roo"

Look, aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?

(Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait til tomorrow

But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs! And dust go to sleep!

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep!

I discovered this poem many years ago when my fifth child, Rich, was a baby.

Happy Mothers' Day everyone, and especially to the five wonderful children

that I have been privileged to raise. It seems like yesterday that you were

all babies and we were "blissfully rocking".

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL

It is almost Thanksgiving. My entire sense of perception has been off this year, so I am surprised that it is Turkey Time again. I have to say that this has never been my favorite holiday. Oh, I do love to eat---but I have never cooked a Thanksgiving dinner, or hosted one at my house. And I don't really like to decorate with turkeys, so Thanksgiving has just been part of a slow slide into Christmas. I've always had very definite rules that we didn't start to shop or decorate or listen to Christmas music until after this holiday is over. Usually we go to my oldest daughter's house in Kansas City, but since we will be working on Friday we will stay in town and have dinner with our son and family.
I like this card, which I found at Vintage Holiday Crafts. I am working very hard on being grateful for all the good things in our life. This is difficult, because this was the worst year ever.
We finally got the autopsy report back last week. My thirty year old son died from heart disease. He went to sleep one night and never woke up. Our family is still having a very difficult time. We never suspected and I'm sure he didn't know that his heart was bad either. I worry that it could have been prevented, but I have to believe that when it is time...............  I know it will get easier, but it will never be back to normal. And I will never be fine.
There have been things that have helped. Reading and writing on Facebook has actually been very helpful. I hardly even checked my account until recently. It helps to be in touch with his friends. And I have found a very good book. It was written by Brooke Noel and is called "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye". I have been trying to read other things too, but my attention span isn't great lately.
I have started thinking about Christmas. Having the young children around will make things better. Finn and Tess will each decorate their own little tree at our house this year, so that will be fun.

Journal for a Friend

Here we have a couple of pictures of a journal I made for a friend's birthday this summer. I do love to put these books together, and am still thinking of having a class.
  I am busy right now putting our lives back together. Grieving is an exhausting process. And for now, going to work everyday and then being with family is about all that I can manage. I have ventured out once or twice for social occasions, but there are still too many tears.


I had two talented and understanding partners for the "Sweet and Sinister" swap and hope to get their lovely items posted tomorrow. Halloween is usually a favorite holiday. This year it isn't quite as much fun.

 









Family

As you may probably guess, we have looked through lots of photos in the past week. This is a few years old but one of my favorites. Meghan, Bridget, Jim, Rich, and Erin. Jim is the oldest and Rich the youngest. They have always been very close, and are holding each other up now. As much as my husband and I  grieve for the loss of our child, they are heartbroken at the emptiness they feel for a brother and friend.
I have hundreds of other pictures, but promise not to post them all. I want this to be a happy, crafty blog, where visitors come for art and inspiration, and funny stories. This past year I seem to have taken a major detour. Thank you for being here for me. Please come again.

A Belated Birthday

Yes, I recently celebrated another year, and as the card says "May many birthdays yet be mine to know, and countless blessings future years bestow." That is certainly my Wish. In the past two months I've certainly spent more time thinking about my future than ever before. I know that although I am very happy with my life, and have many blessings, there is more that I want to do, and see, and have, and be. I think that being faced with the possibility of one's demise probably has that effect on a person!!! And there are things that I want less of . I promise myself that this year and every year coming up is going to be the best year of the rest of my life. Hoping you will join me as we live our adventures.

Special thanks to The GraphicsFairy for this postcard.

Still here

Yes, I am still here, but my computer isn't! First my laptop died and then now I can't turn my other one on. So aggravating. Everything is plugged in, but the on switch is totally dead. I don't know what is going on. Any ideas or advice? So I try to use everybody else's, wherever I go. Right now, we are having a family barbeque, but I am stealing away for my electronic fix.
Things are going really well for me. I start six weeks of radiation next week, and then start my new job the week after that. I am never very good with timing!
As for the computer thing, family members are starting to make excuses to keep me away from theirs. I am really very careful, but everyone agrees that I have strange ways with electrical equipment. I have a long history. Who knows what radiation will do to me!!!!!

Today's Health

Good news for me! The surgery is over. Everything tested well and that little bit of cancer is gone. Now I have lots of reading to do before I meet with radiologist because I want to know all the choices. Input is welcome. Life is good.