A Portrait from Tess and Wise Words

Tess, who will be four in November, drew this picture for me. She calls it "Grammie in the Rain". I knew I had a black cloud over my head, but I had hoped I was hiding it from others. This week is the one year anniversary since we lost Rich. At the time I thought that was the worst thing that could happen. I don't know how I could have gotten through it without Jim. This week we will all be spending a lot of time together. Tomorrow the littlest of the grands will help me get out the Halloween decorations. This weekend we will all spend time cleaning up the yard for fall and celebrating life.

"This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its' place is something that you have left behind...let it be something good." Anonymous

More Loose Change

The runner is finally done, and I am quite pleased with it. Lovely felted wool pieces are stitched onto a calico base. I made it a bit smaller than originally intended so that it would also fit as a banner on the fireplace. I've never used this space before, but with a tension curtain rod, I can hang this right up. What a versatile piece it has turned out to be. I've also made an eyeglass case and a pincushion. I think my next project will be a sewing case. I'm having fun just having all the little pieces of wool to choose from. Now, as I look at the first picture, I realize that is before it was finished. I added some embellishment to the leaves and flowers later. Well, you get the idea--it's done, it's done!

Penny For My Thoughts

I've been looking for something crafty to do-something which only takes a part of my brain, and this is what I have come up with--Penny rugs--a nineteenth century applique technique using wool. This looks big, but is actually a small mug mat. Now I'm in the process of making a table runner. I just ordered some wool pieces from etsy, so I am waiting until they come before I progress much farther. I did buy a yard of white wool with a coupon (50% off) and have been dying little pieces of it. Wool is very expensive, so this is a good way to get a variety of solid colors.

I have also been working on some memorial pieces as Christmas gifts. Well, not so much working on them as thinking about them. I call them "Grief Goods". Maybe there's a market. Baby steps.

It's been six weeks now that I have been alone. It does not get easier. Of course, I already knew that. I don't know what the future will bring. Right now I am just getting through the days. And the nights.

JIM MORAN June 23,1949-June 30, 2011

I am a widow. Jim did great for three days after his surgery. Then started having probems. Wednesday morning he coded and they shocked him back, but we could see he was gone when we got to the hospital. We took him off the respirator on Thursday and he died three minutes later at 9:26. I am in shock, as are all of us. We thought we would have more time, even though we knew it was terminal. We found out yesterday that cancer tumors were in eighty percent of his liver. We didn't know that it was that extensive. I truly believe he was trying to save us the pain. His heart stopped as he was lying in bed, just like Rich's. He has always said he wanted to die alone, and not have everyone watching him, but he didn't get that wish. We were all there throughout the night. I've always said I wanted to go like Melanie a la GWTW, so I'll probably lie alone somewhere for a week before someone finds me. God delights in playing tricks with me, it seems. Once again, I am dreading the next few days, as we do all this with the same cast, different leading man.

(this picture was taken on Father's Day-I still can't believe he was sick)

Be The Lighthouse

SOME DAYS THE ROAD IS LIT AND THE WAY IS EASY

OTHER DAYS THE PATH IS DARK AND THE GOING ROUGH

FEAR NO DARKNESS...BE THE LIGHTHOUSE.

After our son died last September, we found a "bucket list" when packing up his apartment. One of the items on it was "Own a lighthouse". I must admit, I never knew that, and I never even thought about lighthouses. Now, I see them everywhere. And that isn't easy. We live in the midwest, so they aren't usually something that one notices. And since I realized that the Moran family motto means 'Shine in Darkness', somehow it all seems connected.

Last week, it hit me again that our incredible run of bad luck isn't over. As we sat in the oncologist's office and heard the news that my husband's stomach pain was not the hernia that he had thought it was. Instead it is a stage 4 malignancy that has already spread to his liver. And, wouldn't you just know it, on the doctor's wall was a large painting of a lighthouse!

And, yes, now we are officially, the family that no one wants to be.

Happy Mothers' Day

SONG FOR A FIFTH CHILD

(THE VALUE OF VALUES)

Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth

Empty the dustpan--poison the moth

Hang out the washing--make up the bed

Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?

She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue

(Lullabye, rockabye, lullaby loo)

Dishes are waiting and bills are past due

(Lullabye, rockabye, lullaby loo)

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew

And out in the yard there's a hullaba-loo

But I'm playing "Kanga" and this is my "Roo"

Look, aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?

(Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo).

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait til tomorrow

But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down cobwebs! And dust go to sleep!

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep!

I discovered this poem many years ago when my fifth child, Rich, was a baby.

Happy Mothers' Day everyone, and especially to the five wonderful children

that I have been privileged to raise. It seems like yesterday that you were

all babies and we were "blissfully rocking".

In The Pink

Okay, this isn't a difficult project, but definitely one with a lot of meaning. Last summer, when I was going through my six and a half weeks of radiation, the very worst part of it for me was the clothes pins. Yes, I guess I must be weird. But something about putting on that ugly hospital gown every day and fastening it with two clothespins was just awful! So when my craft group decided we really needed to do a project for others at some of our monthly gatherings, this was my first thought. We painted a bunch of them bright colors and decorated them with stamps, and pictures, and uplifting, inspirational words. I think if they bring a smile to just one patient, they are worth it. Today I delivered the pins and had my one year mammo and visit with the oncologist and everything is good.
Actually now that I think about it, the very worst part was when the hot young tech drew lines and arrows all over my bosom with an indelible marker.

Soul Restoration

Remember this class? It's over now, but still a big,big part of my life. Monday and Tuesday they are sponsoring a contest, and inviting students to blog about what the class meant to them. Well, very simply, I loved it. It came at a perfect time for me, and let me mess, and glue, and cut, for hours at a time, without having to think too much about my sorrow. They are having a second class in June. I'm not too sure what it will be like, but it involves lots and lots of index cards. The winner will get free registration to the class for herself and for a friend.

I mentioned the time line before and how it made me see that I have really had a good life and that it has gone by very quickly. We also made another book about soul restoration and a book of Promises for the future. I am still working on that one. I also did a lot of journaling. Some of it was pretty dark, but I needed to do it, and it helped. I think my very favorite project was the Truth Cards. I put mine on a little easel and have one out every day to remember my own personal truths. Every person's truths are different, but they are all very motivating and uplifting.

I remember a tv show when I was a child called "Queen For A Day". Women would come on the show and talk about how awful their lives were. At the end of the show, the most pitiful one was chosen to be Queen. Maybe I am mixing it up with Miss America, but it seems to me that she got a robe, a crown, and flowers. And she always seemed to win a washing machine. I sort of feel like I have become those women, because so many awful things have happened to me in the last year. Some of them I have never even mentioned, because, really, how much can you believe??? But, as someone, who has always been pretty happy and content, 2009 and 2010 were like one of those barrels you see rolling down a big hill in old movies. Over and over and over again, and then another big bump, while I just tried to hang on as best as I could. I really think, that if I can't win the class, I should at least get the crown.

It's Not Easy Being Green

Here we are all, about to enjoy a lovely St Paddy's Day. Green eggs and ham, such a way to start the day. Finn and Tess about to get on the float. Tess loved it all. She thought everyone was there just for her. Can you say "Irish Princess"? Cass and I went home while everyone else enjoyed the parade. The weather was nice, and what a crowd. Later, I collected the other children and we had fun the rest of the day, while the rest of the family got a little bit more Irish as the day progressed. I didn't listen to any Irish music this year. Usually I start early in February. We had the shirts made as a tribute to Rich. There were 50 of them out and about today. They have the family motto "Lucet in Tenebris", which means "They Shine in Darkness" Tess told me that Uncle Wich was busy in Heaven today looking after us.

These things, I warmly wish for you-

Someone to love, Some work to do,

A bit of o’ sun A bit o’ cheer

And a guardian angel Always near.

Happy Valentine's Day

Happiest of Valentines to you from The Victorian Gypsy

Soul Restoration

I know I promised myself that I would post more, but I have been spending every available minute Mod podging, collaging, journaling, cutting, pasting, and thinking. I am totally involved in this wonderful workshop. I knew I was a brave girl after everything that has happened to me in the past year, but I can use all the reinforcement that I can get. Right now we are working on a time line, which is kind of scary because it only goes to age 80. Now I imagine that some of you think that is an advanced age, but to me it seems like it is right around the corner, especially as I see how quickly my time has gone so far. So I am adding an envelope at the end of mine to put all those things I will still want to do after I am eighty. I know several women who are still volunteering, working at jobs they love, traveling, and enjoying life in general. That's the way I plan to be.
Seriously, this is a great class. I am learning all sorts of things. There are four weeks left, and I will be sorry to see it end.

New Year, New Words

Everybody picks words for the year any more, rather than resolutions. Obviously, my word for the year should be procastination, since we are already five days into 2011. I have two words. The first one picked me, but I think I need it. The word is ACCEPTANCE. There are so many things I want to accept. This is kind of a no brainer, I guess. This year I want to accept that sometimes there are no answers. This is a tough one for me, because I expect everything to have a reason.  I accept that I will not do all the things I want to do, because I accept the fact that I'm not so young as I think I am. I do not accept getting funny emails about all the awful things that are part of our lives now that we are old. I laugh, but I do not accept them. I accept that taking care of my health is something I have to do now, not later. I accept that treats are okay, too.  I accept that every day isn't a perfect day, but that there is something perfect in every day.
My other word, the one that I am deliberately choosing is SOAR. This is my year to soar, and to shine, and to enjoy. 
Also I do have a goal. Before this year ends, I would like to have at least 200 followers on my blog. So please, follow me, and ask your friends to follow me. It's going to be good.  Just accept it.

Forecasting A Happy New Year

Don't you love this post card? Wishing good fortune is always a part of New Year Festivities. I know I'm a day late. Not the best way to start a new year, but I have been busy. I'm still undecorating the house. It seems to be hitting me harder than the original decorating. I pack a few ornaments, cry a little, pack a few more, take a break. Hopefully, I'll finish the tree tonight or first thing in the morning, and then tomorrow it will go back out to the garage. When we had a live tree, it always let me know when it was time to banish it from the house. Droopy, prickly branches were obvious. But, now, the artificial trees look as good after Christmas as they did before.

I enjoy that empty space when the tree is gone. I didn't really make resolutions this year, but I am doing a lot of space clearing. For a person who hardly ever shops, I tend to accumulate things at an alarming rate. I am trying to eliminate the things that I don't absolutely love. As William Morris, the Victorian designer and artist, said, "Have nothing in your house that you don't know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." I look around and I just have way too much stuff. So, no resolutions, but a definite determination to clean up, clear out, and have some sort of control. That's how my life is now. William Morris also said, "The true secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest in all the details of daily life."
Nothing matters, yet everything matters. I'm not sure if someone else said that first, but it explains so much about the way I feel.

A Blank Slate

Here it is. 2011. And not a minute too soon. A New Year. A Blank Slate. We never know what any year will bring, it's true, but I am wishing you, and me, and everyone in the world the best of everything.

Eight isn't Enough

I finally got everyone together and to sit reasonably still for a moment. So ta-da! Finally, all eight in one picture. Of course, some aren't smiling, some aren't looking at the camera, and some wouldn't take off their hats, but they are all right here wishing us all a very merry Christmas.

Paper Stories

Yesterday we had our annual Christmas craft nite. I've talked about our group before. We have been meeting once a month for over 30 years. Dinner, lots of laughter, and an easy craft. We have several very talented women in our small group, so there are always wonderful projects. At Christmas we don't craft but have a gift exchange. This is what I made. I love it and plan to make more. I am a book lover, hoarder, keeper, so it was very hard for me to tear a book apart. I bought this one especially to reconstruct. It was already missing a few pages, so that is my defense. This was a late nineteenth century (yummy thick and textured paper) novel called "The Old Mam'selle's Secret''.  And I have kept the cover for more projects.  More budget book projects coming right up.

A Sort of Holly Jolly Christmas

Decorating is going up in bits and pieces this year. Finn and Tess came over to help with the tree. As you can see, their idea is very definitely quantity over quality. We have lots of bare spots and lots of places very heavy with holiday. That says a lot about the way I feel, I suppose. This year there are just things I cannot do. I have to make substitutions. Some boxes I'm just not able to open.
We were gifted by an "angel" from Amanda the Panda. This is a local organization that has been active for 30 years helping families to get through the grieving process. They put together a box of little gifts for us to open each day until Christmas. An amaryllis plant, a cookbook, chocolates, just a variety of things to brighten our day and let us know that people are thinking of us. I am very impressed with them and plan to volunteer in some way  in the future. As I've said before, my life has changed forever, and this grief will be part of who I am now. I can still laugh, and enjoy life, and I am looking forward to the time when I don't dissolve into sobs several times a day, but I know this underlying sadness will never go away. And I really think that perhaps I can help other people who have to go through this.
Every post I try to start out positively, and really don't want this to be depressing, but holidays are very difficult. Thank you  for reading. Next time, a happy post. Really!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL

It is almost Thanksgiving. My entire sense of perception has been off this year, so I am surprised that it is Turkey Time again. I have to say that this has never been my favorite holiday. Oh, I do love to eat---but I have never cooked a Thanksgiving dinner, or hosted one at my house. And I don't really like to decorate with turkeys, so Thanksgiving has just been part of a slow slide into Christmas. I've always had very definite rules that we didn't start to shop or decorate or listen to Christmas music until after this holiday is over. Usually we go to my oldest daughter's house in Kansas City, but since we will be working on Friday we will stay in town and have dinner with our son and family.
I like this card, which I found at Vintage Holiday Crafts. I am working very hard on being grateful for all the good things in our life. This is difficult, because this was the worst year ever.
We finally got the autopsy report back last week. My thirty year old son died from heart disease. He went to sleep one night and never woke up. Our family is still having a very difficult time. We never suspected and I'm sure he didn't know that his heart was bad either. I worry that it could have been prevented, but I have to believe that when it is time...............  I know it will get easier, but it will never be back to normal. And I will never be fine.
There have been things that have helped. Reading and writing on Facebook has actually been very helpful. I hardly even checked my account until recently. It helps to be in touch with his friends. And I have found a very good book. It was written by Brooke Noel and is called "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye". I have been trying to read other things too, but my attention span isn't great lately.
I have started thinking about Christmas. Having the young children around will make things better. Finn and Tess will each decorate their own little tree at our house this year, so that will be fun.

Bounteous Beauties

I am finally posting about the goodies I received in the Artsy Mama Sweet and Sinister Swap. I was lucky enough to have two partners and they were both wonderful and extremely talented ladies. Above is a picture which I borrowed from my partner Karen's blog, Recycled Rita . (I did take pictures, but wasn't able to post them.) Lots of goodies, including the great eek banner, which I hung across my window. A vintage purse, which I loooove, and two flower pins. This Halloween plate and spreader will be used tomorrow at my daughter-in-law's party.There is a decorated can filled with yummy chocolates. A sparkled cardboad chandelier, lots of ephemera, and more that I am sure that I forgot.  Thank you Karen.

And next, my partner Natalie of One Hungry Hippie sent me these treasures early, but my posting got delayed. Lots of great items, including this clutch bag decorated with feathers, a black and white Paris scarf, a milk glass goblet, an ostrich feather pen, a giant patchwork pumpkin, a coffee cozy. chocolates, and more. I feel very spoiled by both of these lovely ladies, and lucky to have two new friends. Happy Halloween everybody. I'm afraid it sort of slid by me this year.

Journal for a Friend

Here we have a couple of pictures of a journal I made for a friend's birthday this summer. I do love to put these books together, and am still thinking of having a class.
  I am busy right now putting our lives back together. Grieving is an exhausting process. And for now, going to work everyday and then being with family is about all that I can manage. I have ventured out once or twice for social occasions, but there are still too many tears.


I had two talented and understanding partners for the "Sweet and Sinister" swap and hope to get their lovely items posted tomorrow. Halloween is usually a favorite holiday. This year it isn't quite as much fun.